Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic – and What We Can Do About It is a thoughtful critique of an American upper middle class problem. We think that we live in a meritocracy, we hope that we know the rules, and we have faith that ticking the right boxes for our children will lead them to happy, healthy and successful lives. The reality, though, is that for many parents and their children, the formula does not turn out as hoped. More and greater achievements in the years up to and including college is no guarantee of anything other than more and greater achievements.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace, a journalist, wrote the book after a decade of reporting on American families. She noticed that there was a growing crisis in the well-being of high performing students, students whose families had the resources to invest in their children. These parents truly care about their kids and make decisions based on the belief that they can truly help their young ones flourish. That said, many of these children report dangerously high levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. These youngsters are not doing well. The mother of three, Wallace partnered with the Harvard School of Education on a national survey to learn more. She followed up with interviews, leading to writing this book. Well-reviewed and very popular among the well-read set, Never Enough strikes an important nerve.
The research indicates that many upper middle class parents, the kinds of parents who understand educational systems and colleges, who have high expectations for their children, are increasingly anxious. They worry about status, about supporting their children, and the right level of parental attention. These parents don’t know if they need to push their kids more or to dial back support, tutors, activities and expectations. Is there a good balance of academics and extra-curriculars? Do we need to encourage our kids to become passionate about one thing or to be well-rounded? There are no easy choices, especially as it is widely believed that the rungs of the ladder of success are moving farther and farther apart. The number of Ivy League schools is not increasing. Nor are there more varsity sport captains or champions. Expectations increasingly start earlier and earlier, too. Wallace’s reporting sheds light on all of these pressures. One mom, for example, breaks down after her five-year old daughter receives a “normal” IQ test. Has her daughter’s path already been set? And the mom is a clinical psychologist!
Ratcheted expectations wreak havoc on families, and in particular, mothers. Research highlights that mothers bear the majority of these extra-parental burdens, even as overall parental involvement in their children’s lives is increasing. The real harm, however, plays out in the lives of young adults. They are unhappy, surveys indicate, as mental health concerns skyrocket. How will they be able to navigate the complexities of life?
After setting out the problem, Wallace looks at strategies and structures that make a difference. She lists resources, spells out approaches, and recommends books. Most importantly, Wallace zeroes in on a way of thinking about interpersonal relationships that is universal: mattering. “Untangling self-worth from achievement” is how Wallace initially describes mattering, and her exploration goes deeper and is woven throughout the book and her thinking. People who have a sense of self-worth, who feel seen and listened to, are healthier, more resilient, and happier. Mattering is how we internally process external feedback and interactions. Children who know that they matter are better able to separate out how and why one may be successful. It is an absolutely essential part of what makes us human.
Wallace does not pretend that the issues of undue expectations and too much schoolwork have a negative impact on all students. She acknowledges that there are many challenges facing today’s young people. However, her examination of this important subset tells us a great deal about the values that may be animating broad social movements. Are we becoming an increasingly status-driven society? How do we measure worth in ourselves? In others? These are questions that we can raise in settings outside of the classroom, for they cut across all groups in society.
Interestingly, Wallace’s follow up book, Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose, came out in early 2026. She is also a founder of the Mattering Institute and the Mattering Movement. I am keen on learning more, as mattering is a theme that resonates across the educational ecosystem. It also defines, in many ways, what we think about our neighbors and society.
Good questions, indeed.
David Potash